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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  February 13, 2013 11:00pm-11:30pm PST

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'm sorry. - hey! - i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'll just get my toolbox then. - [sighs, whimpers] [motown music] - ♪ i'll keep loving you ♪ - who's that? who is that? i'm back in the dating scene, and i'm really excited. i've even taken some steps to amp up my game. i feel good about the future. twice as good. [soft guitar music] ♪ - you will find a better place. - okay. there's that positivity that i always loved, mrs. sanghvi. uh, bruce leezard, you know, will be joining me. [clears throat] we had a bit of a kerfuffle. uh, the apartment plummeted to a frigid 81 degrees. he lashed out in a manner that befitted him as a brown belt. uh, he was able to, uh, spot my weak point.
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ow! jesus, bruce leezard! i said, "i'm gonna learn from my mistakes. i'm gonna take care of this permanently," and that meant to, uh, you know, get the iguana tail permanent. it comes right around the neck, and i call it a "tat tail." this little bugger's never gonna, you know, get me again. bruce... you know, i know he's a lizard, people say, "he's not gonna talk to you," but i--i think one of the-- one of these days he's gonna open up those choppers and really let me have it. - oh, what's up, angel? what's up, matthew? i got new friends. they in indie music, which means they are passionate. they grew up upper-middle class, and they do not make money currently. [laughs] - i actually have a job that i like. - what do you do for a living? - i have a jewelry line. oh, yeah, look. that's a wish bracelet. i made it. it's a--he made a wish on it... - it's just-- - and when it falls off, his wish come true. - was the wish to get an actual piece of jewelry? ha ha. good at bizness.
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from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. boy do we have one for you tonight. we're here live from the great city of tampa. no that was -- [cheers and applause] good memories. just good memories. we have a great one for you tonight. our guest fawzia koofi, an incredible woman, running to be president of afghanistan. you heard me right, woman,
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afghanistan, presidency. very excited to be speaking to hemple incredible story. we're going to turn to one of our favorite nights of year. hot off the presses one day old expanded coverage of last night's state of the union address. president barack obama hits the floor for some reason with republican congressman eric cantor in tow in no way making this seem like a charismatic star performer walking the red carpet with his agent. baby doll we gotta move. mario lopez has a satellite window we have to him. [laughter] [cheers and applause] i'm sore i'm -- sorry. just sweat age bit. i'm just going to, just going to -- get something to drink here. [laughter] just so thirsty i can't --
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sorry. should have drank something before the show. i don't know why i didn't think after this. anyway it's the state of union so as the late great ed koch would say, how we doing? >> a family with children making the minimum wage stills lives below the poverty. there's communities where no matter how hard you work it's virtually impossible to get ahead. >> jon: i mean who is running this (bleep), right, people? come on. he should get on this stuff -- oh, wait a minute. [ laughter ] for how long? but unfortunately the president continued paintedding his pick turf an america that sounded more like an applebee's laden distoapic health escape. >> today fewer than three in ten four year olds are enrolled a high quality preschool program. structurally unsound bridges
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across the country. >> jon: wait, wait as thirsty as i am i don't know why i would be eating salt yeens. that is just going to make the problem worse. you were saying something about bridge? >> 70,000 structural deficient bridges across the country. >> jon: shouldn't you have led with that one? 70,000 structurally deficient. shouldn't you just opened with that or broke into whatever programming was playing with an urgent message the night you found that out. hey, everybody, this is president barack obama the bridges are death traps. for the next three hours i'm going to stand here and name bridges. the aa aaronson bridge, don't take the. clock wipe. all the bridges in madison county. clock wipe. the tappan zee. [ laughter ] seriously that thing is -- whoo!
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god i'm so sorry, so thirsty i'm just going to -- i'm going to -- oh, no. i'm so thirsty and i ate saltines and now i'm working out. it's never going to help my thirst, what am i going to do. mr. president, you laid out the litany of woe that faces this nation. i believe it's going to -- this is going to make a hell of a -- sorry. [cheers and applause] sorry. not good. [laughter] three people liked that, 50 people got nauseous. [ laughter ] listen, barack obama, you laid out the terrible things in this country. i believe it's spirit raising time and the power of what we can accomplish together with the government, through laws, initiative and administrative acts. >> no laws, no initiatives, no administrative acts will
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perfectly solve all the challenges i've outlined tonight. but we were never sent here to be perfect. >> jon: you are (bleep) killing me. you are killing me! no one is expecting perfection just, you know, expecting that through coordinating effort we can lower the unsafe bridge count in this country. [ laughter ] to four figure territory. 9,000, 8,000. i get we're not perfect. how do we start? >> every day we should ask ourselves three questions as a nation. >> jon: all right, let me try. stop me if you've heard this one before. which of the 70,000 bridges are near my house? [laughter] number two, are the tunnels okay? [laughter] and number three, how did he
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meet their mother because if it's something like in a bar or on a j-date i'm going be ano, id because i put eight years into this (bleep). if they come out with i woke up and there she was, no. so -- my lips are just so -- it's so hot in here. i'm sweating and eating saltines. you would think as a veteran of television production i would know, but i don't. got news for barack obama is even with the sorry state of affairs in this country -- oh, what you've never seen a show hosted by an aging french whore before? prude, prisses, all of you. don't judge me. i judge you. [ laughter ] when does this thing go off the rails? anyone know? [laughter] the good news for barack obama is even with the sorry state after fairs in this country he's not going to do the heavy
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lifting by himself. he has a support of his democratic colleagues and whitman samplers of american heros. heros, oh, god yeah, heros. that's not going to help me because i'm still so thirsty. my favorite hero was desolene victor. >> we should follow the exam of a north miami woman named desolene victor. she was told the wait to vote might be six hours. she's 102 years old. >> jon: that's the most adorable woman i've seen on the planet. screw the cat token that woman should be the the new monopoly piece. that's what i say. anyway -- [laughter] liquid. mmmmm, yes the state of the union address is a powerful bully pulpit where the presidene president has the opportunity to shape his message.
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>> we've worked tirelessly to have a framework to guide our counter terrorism efforts. throughout, we have kept congress fully informed -- >> jon: no, congress has made formal requests for administrative documents on drone strikes at least 18 times since 2011. the administration is saying they kept congress fully informed. that's like facebook telling me how much they care about my privacy. really, facebook, how come my mom wound up seeing this? [laughter] yeah. what it's for at that tobacco. [ laughter ] i just used it for marijuana. [ laughter ] how dysfunctional has our government become? a face of all the large serious problems listed by the president our ability to act remains small bore. >> let's agree right here right now to keep the people's government open and pay our bills on time. >> jon: that's not a bad idea.
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you just shouldn't have to say that to adults. you really shouldn't have to say that to anyone not coming out of prison. guys if we won't get get our (bleep) together, repoe man is going to take florida. let's do this.
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back.
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now, last night was the state of the union. the state of union rebuttal is move often handed to a rising party star. who's star then according to tradition quickly falls following the state of the union rebuttal. >> good evening and happy mardi gras. [laughter] [laughter] [whistling] [laughter] this jeer's short straw went to marco rubio because he's a young dynamic legislator with bold ideas and a rhetorical flare and also because he is hispanic. sorry is that cynical. you don't think the republican party would pander to hispanics that way. >> the time has come to pass comprehensive immigration reform. now is the time to do it. >> jon: wow, there is senator
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john mccain up off his feet cheering comprehensive immigration reform. i'm sure he is not doing that to pander to hispanic votes. how did he figure out -- how did he feel about that before he figured out they wouldn't win a national election without that. we should be working on comprehensive immigration right now. [laughter] >> jon: so weird! as soon as they comprehensive immigration reform the floor fell and mccain even though he is standing and cheering cannot be seen. [ laughter ] it was on rubio to bring word of this accepting republican party. his performance was perhaps [speak spanish] and sudden it will story was the self deportation of marco rubio's saliva from the inside of his mouth to the outside of his
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face. don't wipe. you are only drawing attention -- not the spittle. this can't end well. well as long as you don't -- no-o-o-o! don't! no oooo! why? [laughter] i gotta say obama talked for an hour without such as a sip. may need a prompter but at least he doesn't need an iv bag. few people know this but lost in last night's -- [laughter] yeah? [cheers and applause] we worked really hard on this whole thing. [ laughter ] at the end of the day we're like oh, (bleep) what is the title. throw that out. argghh. [laughter] few people know this but lost in last night's hydration disaster
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was the fact that senator rubio actually gave a speech. the first nationally televised republican speech since mitt romney lost. the picture of barack obama did not match the barack obama most experienced. what lessons did the g.o.p. learn? >> ea accused us of wanting dirty water and dirty air and his favorite attack of all is that those of us who don't agree with hem only care about rich people. but any time the people opposes the president's agenda he and his allies respond by falsely attacking his motives. >> jon:s it's so hurtful. it's enough to mick a perspire. i'm sorry, i mean glow. [ laughter ] yes, how all of it is to misrepresent your political opponents views and proposals. anything you would care to add to that. >> our free enterprise economy
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is the source of middle class prors expert but president obama -- prosperity, but president obama believes it's the cause of problem. i hope the president loses the on seftion raising taxes and instead tonight would have been a good time to save medicare. >> jon: instead of why didn't he go out there and say something about medicare. something -- what was that? >> i'm medicare i'm prepared to enact reforms that will achieve the same amount of health care savings by the beginning of the next decade as those proposed by the bipartisan simpson bowles commission. >> jon: i see the problem, once again rather than responding responding to actual obama, republicans are stuck responding to the fictional image of obama they created. the smaim boilerplate republican
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talking points but just with a better backstory. >> more government isn't going to help you get ahead. it's going to hold you back. more government isn't going to create more opportunities. it's going to limit them. >> jon: cue the same republican in the same speech trying to limit your access to federal help that managed to help him and not hold him back. >> i believe in financial aid. i couldn't have gone to college without it. medicare is important to me. it's the same medicare my mother receives right now. >> jon: but i point is (bleep) it. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] because -- i don't know -- it makes you dependent. what are you going to do? republicans little tip, as you are feeling around for a new e j ú0
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>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, she's afghanistan's first female parliament speaker and plans to run for president of afghanistan in 2014. her book is called "the favored daughter: one woman's fight to lead afghanistan to the future."
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please welcome to the program fawzia koofi. [cheers and applause] hello. thank you for coming. [cheers and applause] nice to see you. [cheers and applause] you know, we get a lot of people on this show and they are all very nice. but your story is so astonishing and so inspiring that i am embarrassed. it begins with your birth and your mother feeling like because you are a girl, you are not worthy, and they leave you to die. and yet here you are running for president of afghanistan. how -- [cheers and applause]
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-- it's -- humbling and -- walk us through just a little bit of that journey. >> it's true. actually my story is a part of many afghanistan woman story but the fact that i made it for everyone to hear the life of an afghan woman is first of all i was educated. because my mother as a womg suffered so much and she didn't want another woman to suffer as much as she suffered. she doesn't care so much when i was firstborn but she later in my life she gave me enough love and support when i went to school. but the life of afghan woman from the time she is born to the time she's married and goes to her, you know, husband's life and to the time her life
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finishes is full of struggle. it's changed though now. the type of struggle i had to do, my daughters don't have to do that. it's a generation change. i had to struggle to go to school and many members of my family wouldn't allow me to go to school. but my daughters have a choice to go to the best school in kabul and i think because of the social changes in afghanistan. it's hardly mesh you'rable to be reported in media because it's not measurable. with all the changes that has happened, i give myself all eligibility to run for president of afghanistan. >> jon: it's tremendous. when you speak about the social change that has occurred over that generation, yet, your life remains in peril on a daily basis. the taliban has tried to assassinate you many different times.
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and you seem remarkably serene in the face after this kind of danger. is that just something you have a faith that you believe this is your destiny this is what you must do even with the peril it puts you in? >> it's a choice. i could come to europe or u.s. and stay luxurious life like many other people in this world do or i could stay back in my country and try to contribute to a small change if i can. i have decided to go for the second option though it's not easy. i feel as a woman if you become stronger politcally or socially you find more opponents. there's people that want you not to be in this world. there's been woman that i -- that i had to face insurgency face to face. they tried to kill me. i was under attack for half an hour. but still i -- you know i think afghanistan needs people who
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bring change for the people and i think -- again, i see myself part of the agent of change in afghanistan. and afghanistan is not only a country where you hear about war it's a country full of values and perhaps you have seen it in one special. >> jon: absolutely. >> it's a relationship and value. that is the face of afghanistan i would like to demonstrate to the world which is not only a country that you don't nate to but a country that could be reliable in the world. the new generation is doing an enormously wonderful job trying to make sure that afghanistançó doesn't once again fall in the hands of extremism or radicalism. the fact that i was listening to president obama's state of the union address last night, it's promising to see afghanistan is part of foreign policy but on the other hand, troop withdrawal
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is controversial issue and in afghanistan there's concern of what is going to happen with the pursuing of the peace process. there's hopes and concerns as well. i want to be part of hope for my country. i know there are challenges and one day i might be assassinated but it's a choice i made for myself. >> jon: inspiring one and incredibly brave one. enough time we'll good to commercial and we'll talk more about the complexities ant dueality of living in afghanistan and the difficulty as you go through there. very, very nice to have you on the show. fawzia koofi, "the favored daughter." you she had gut this and readit it